The decisions that take you to where you are now.
Often in coaching conversations with my clients we work on something that the client really wants to do but hasn’t yet been able to succeed at. It could be anything from taking on a new role, to starting their own business, to moving to a different country. Many times, it becomes clear that the reason they haven't done the thing they want is driven by the fear of making the ‘wrong decision’. It holds us back, this worry that we might make a big leap and that it, or should I say, we, might fail. If we fail, what does that say about us? What will people think? What consequences could arise because of our failure? Listening to these voices in our heads, we stay stuck, not moving forward from a place of unhappiness, existing in a kind of limbo. Fredrick Hudson very eloquently talks about this stage in his excellent book, ‘The Adult Years: Mastering the Art of Self-Renewal’ as the ‘Doldrums’.
It can be extremely difficult to move out of this state of inertia and we can stay there for months or sometimes, even years. It feels easier or less scary to stay where we are than to move forward into the unknown.
One of the techniques I use with clients to help them shift into moving forward is ‘What if’ scenario planning which helps them reframe their issue in a positive way. Often people talk about all the reasons why things might go wrong if they make their decision.
‘What if the new company is worse?’, ‘What if I uproot my family and they all hate it?’, ‘What if the business fails and it costs us our home?’. All of these are totally valid and understandable concerns and it would be unwise to discount them altogether. However, we can tend to permit these negatives ‘What ifs’ more weight than they deserve.
To get out of this negative mindset, I ask them to consider the reverse:
‘What if the new company is the most exciting place you’ve ever worked?’, ‘What if your family thrives in this new country?’, ‘What if your business takes off and you make more money than you had ever thought?’. Putting the client into this positive mind state, having them imagine the excitement of what that would feel like, can be a powerful motivator.
Another technique that often works is asking the following question in response to the negative ‘what ifs’:
‘Well, what if you stay exactly as you are right now?’
That answer to that question can often be the scariest one of all…
My personal philosophy in life is very much that you can’t regret any decision you make as they all lead you to the place where you are right now. You made them at that time with as much information as you could and they have served to teach you. Even if they have seemed negative you have grown because of them. They also serve to guide you the next time you have to make a similar decision.
To that end, I thought I’d share a few which have made a fundamental difference to my own life:
1) Studying Italian at University
This was a definite spur-of-the-moment-type of decision that I made at the age of 17. I had originally wanted to study History and French at university, but my small high school couldn’t accommodate those two topics in conjunction for “A” level exams. So, I decided to take Latin “A” level instead of French and then apply for a degree in History and Italian. I didn’t speak a word of Italian and I’d never been to Italy. I did know, though, that the course would let me spend an Erasmus year in Venice and the romantic in me was sold. This turned out to be one of the most fabulous and weird years of my life and I count myself very fortunate to have been able to immerse myself in this gorgeous city. Learning Italian also led me to move away from the UK straight after university and live in Milan for nearly six years. It opened up a world of tasty food, heart wrenching opera, beautiful countryside, amazing friends and so much more. I love being able to communicate in this beautiful language.
2) Leaving Italy
This one might seem a little strange given the previous one but definitely the hardest but most “right” decision I have ever made in my life. I was in a relationship with someone in Italy for nearly 6 years and had bought a house with them. This relationship made me grow up but wasn’t right for me by any stretch of the imagination. I lost my identity and became a small, sad person when I was with them. So, in the space of a couple of weeks, I made the decision to end the relationship, quit my job, move out of the house and leave the country. I moved to London with my all my belongings in a few suitcases, had no job or anywhere to live and no real sense of what on earth I was going to do. Luckily, I had good friends in the city and I found a great job and a place to live quickly. The next year was hard and I cried a lot but I didn’t regret if for a second.
3. Spending my house deposit on fixing my teeth and going on safari
This one still makes me laugh. I had a bit of money saved up when I moved to London and instead of wisely investing it in some kind of ISA/house deposit I spent it on myself. In my first year in London I did two things I had wanted to do for years but hadn’t ever done. First, I had veneers put on my top four front teeth. Years of dodgy orthodontic work had left me with ruined teeth and I never smiled fully in photos or in person. My teeth made me extremely self-conscious and I realized I could do something about it. So, I spent a fair bit of cash and went through a fair bit of pain but it was totally worth it. I now all am smiles in photos and it has made me way more confident.
The second thing I did was go on holiday for two weeks to Tanzania by myself. My ex boyfriend had never wanted to go anywhere adventurous with me on holiday because he would “have to protect me” (you can see why this didn’t work out…) and so to challenge myself I went to Africa on my own. The first week I spent on safari in an amazing place called Beho Beho and the second week I lived in a on a tiny island called Chole off the coast of Zanzibar. It had no electricity or running water and fruit bats flew through my bedroom at night. I met some fantastic people, saw some amazing sights and in a pretty cliched way “found myself”. It was a turning point in my life when I realized I didn’t need a partner and that I was very happy on my own.
4. Commit – get married and have kids
When you realize you don’t need someone, that can be when you meet the one who will change your life. Not long after the trip to Africa I met my now husband. He didn’t want me to change, he didn’t ask me to, he accepted me for who I was and made me want to be a better person for him. It didn’t take long for us to realize how serious we were about each other and we moved in together, got married and had our 1st child all within about 3 years. I am a self-confessed commitment phobe but marrying him and having our two gorgeous kids was the best decision I’ve ever made.
5. Going back to work after having my first child.
This was a hard one for me. I have always been very career focused and not particularly ‘maternal’ in my outlook. However, all that changed when I had my son. Suddenly, I had to question my priorities in life and think about whether my career was still as important to me. Should I stay at home and devote myself entirely to my son? It was a question I wrestled with for a good while and caused me many a teary, sleepless night. However, I went back to work four days a week when he was seven months old. I am not denying how hard it was at the beginning and I definitely hit a wall about two months in. I felt like I was a bad mum, a bad employee and just not doing anything well. Luckily my boss at the time made me realize that this was just a bump in the road (thank you, Francois). Working is part of who I am and whilst it wasn’t an easy decision, again it was definitely the right one for me.
6. Starting my own coaching business
Making the leap from a twenty-year career in corporate to starting my own business is up there with one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I agonized and put it off for months, if not years. The ‘What Ifs’ were very strong in my head and I repeated them to everyone who would listen. ‘What if I’m a terrible coach?’, ‘What if, no one wants to pay me?’, ‘What if we lose our home?’, ‘What if I am a failure?’. So much fear around my very own identity was tied up in this. In the summer of 2018, I was made redundant from the company I had been at for 11 years. A potentially predictable step would have been to look for a similar role in another big company. Instead, I knew it was the right moment to take that leap into starting my own coaching business. The last two years have been a rollercoaster of trial and error, personal and financial growth and best of all, joy in doing something I absolutely love.
In sharing some of my own personal decisions, I was reflecting on what it took for me to make them. Fundamentally, it is a mixture of two things. Each time, in some shape or form, I armed myself with information. I wasn’t leaping off into the complete unknown. For example, I was with my husband for a couple of years before we got married and I invested in a serious coaching certification before starting my own business. This could be, what we refer to as, using my ‘head’ to guide me.
On the other hand, I had to fundamentally trust in myself to be able to deal with the unknown and whatever consequences came with that. I didn’t know if I would enjoy living in Italy or whether I would figure out the balance between my job and being a new mother. What I did know is that I would work it out. I followed my heart, I listened to my intuition. There is so much to be said for allowing yourself to be guided by what feels like the right thing to do.
Moving forward with trust in yourself is incredibly freeing and when I see my clients decide to make those leaps it makes my heart sing for them. They get to move forward and that is what coaching is all about.
As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts.